Previously on The OC.
You married me because I was pregnant.
I married you because I loved you.
I've been working with him side by side all this time.
How could I have not known that
he was bribing this woman from the city council?
I spoke with Renee Wheeler today. I know about the affair.
16 years is an awfully long time
to be paying someone palimony.
Unless there was a child.
I'm talking too much, as usual.
I just, I get nervous and I start talking and then...
nothing can shut me up.
If you were to come forward to the judge
with the right documentation,
the D.A. would drop the charges,
What are you doing here?
What is the point of living in Southern California
if it's gonna be this cold?
50 degrees in December, Cal.
That ain't cold.
Well, my blood must have gotten thinner.
Or you got ice in your veins.
This time next year,
I could be spending the holidays behind bars.
Now, that gives me a chill.
I don't know how you feel about it.
Warm and fuzzy.
How do you think it makes me feel, Sandy?
What the hell else can I do?
You can come forward.
Trial's right around the corner.
Renee's gonna plead the Fifth,
and when she does, you're sunk...
unless you tell the truth.
No, I can't.
You know I can't.
What about the child?
Which child? Lindsay?
How do you know her name?
But yeah.
What happens to her?
Spare me.
You're not trying to protect Lindsay.
You're trying to protect yourself,
'cause you know once you come clean,
you're gonna get what's coming to you.
Facing Kirsten and Julie has got to be better
than going to jail.
Kirsten, maybe.
Not Julie.
Well... then this is it.
I'm done.
So are you.
Happy holidays.
SETH: Mother?
Did you not clean out the menorah from last year?
The shammes is looking a little bit waxy.
Uh, sorry.
I'll get right on that.
Uh, Seth, a little help here, please.
Thanks, Mom, 'cause we can't afford to cut any corners.
Now, if my sense of a cultural zeitgeist is accurate...
Be careful.
...and I do believe it is...
this is the year that Chrismukkah sweeps the nation,
okay, people?
Ryan, it's so nice to have someone
to help around the house.
You're absolutely right.
It is, which is why this year,
I've created a Chrismukkah work wheel
so that everybody understands his and her duties
this holiday season.
Voil?
You're kidding me.
Does it look like I'm kidding?
Let me guess what your job is.
Uh, I'm supervising, smart ass.
Well, that's big of you.
Yeah, but I'm also overseeing licensing
and merchandising, okay?
T-shirts, mugs, should it come to that,
and I'm penning a Chrismukkah hymn
set to Death Cab's "A Lack of Color."
Ah, all the makings of a classic.
Is Death Cab a band?
Ooh, around we go on the wheel,
and... ( grunts ).
Mother, you're in charge of interior decor, okay?
Now, that's gonna mean, uh, trimmings,
ornaments, frosting of the windows.
Don't really know, don't really care,
just make it classy.
I'll do my best.
I've invited
the Nichols or the Cooper- Nichols
or whatever they're called these days.
They're called gentiles
and a whole slew of them at that.
Now, we're gonna have to really put our heads together
and do some serious Jewcruitment. Ryan?
Do you think you can rope in some Hebrews?
Blonde hair, blue eyes?
Yeah, no problem. I'm a natural.
Fair point, my Aryan friend.
Okay, where are we gonna find some Jews in Orange County?
Father! I have
just discovered the ideal job for you this Chrismukkah.
Chrismukkah.
Oh, leave me out of it.
Oy, humbug. Oy, humbug.
( piano and acoustic guitar strumming gentle melody )
* California, here we come *
***This Subtitle Is Brought to You by..**
* TLF subteam *
* pp123 *
Ah, you know my dad and the holidays.
Ah, you knHe likes a slow build, and the holidays.
doesn't want to peak too soon.
It's a long holiday. You gotta pace yourself.
Hey!
It's a marathon of presents, not a race.
To get through this holiday season,
you must set a pace.
Those are really good lyrics for the song.
Do you have a pen on you?
You're not really writing a song, are you?
Hey, for Chrismukkah
to sweep the nation, we're gonna need an anthem.
And I'm thinking of having Little Jo-Jo record it.
So, in keeping with bringing Chrismukkah to the masses, you're inviting Alex?
Yeah, I did. She's away with her folks. Uh-huh.
Probably at some Club Med tattoo parlor.
I don't know. What about you? Uh, uh, is Lindsay around?
Uh, yeah. I think she is.
You gonna invite her?
Ah, I can't.
I mean, it's kind of a big step.
And with Marissa there, it'd just...
it'd be too weird for her, for Lindsay.
That's the thing-- Marissa's not gonna be there.
I had my mom draw up a seating chart,
and she said she's gonna be with her dad.
Really? Yeah.
Well, we just got things to a good place, you know?
I got a little mystery back. Hmm. All right.
Inviting her over for the holiday.
it feels like I might be rushing things.
Then don't do it, man.
Do not do it.
The last thing you want to do is rush things.
What are you doing? We're gonna be late.
( moaning )
Are you sure we're not rushing things?
Well, you know...
we were married for 17 years, so...
Oh, it's just we've...
It's been so long since we've done this.
Well, it's like... it's like riding a bike.
Well, an incredibly toned and, you know,
evenly tanned and limber bike.
You know, with a really sharp mind
and an incredible sense
of, of, uh... interior design.
( moaning )
Oh, slow down. I'm sorry.
Uh... i-it's, just, does this count,
um, as, as adultery?
Well, you know...
cheating on your husband with your ex- husband?
Technically, I-I think, uh, it does, yeah.
Oh...
Wait, I'm sorry. It's just... okay...
What?
Caleb and I aren't getting along.
I mean, he hasn't touched me in months.
It's... he's probably going to jail.
Well, it's wonderful how maturely you're handling it all.
I don't hear you complaining.
Well, do you want to stop?
No.
Thanks for coming on such short notice.
I don't have much of a lunch break, so...
Why did you want to meet here?
I've run out of places to go.
I-I've had so many clandestine meetings lately, I've...
I feel like I'm in an Oliver Stone movie.
I-I know you feel that if you come forward,
you're going to lose your daughter.
You may lose her either way.
The DA's convinced that Caleb was bribing somebody
in the City Councilman's office,
bribing you.
And unless somebody testifies differently,
they have enough evidence to send you to jail.
How do I tell my daughter that I've been lying to her
her whole life?
Inventing a father she never had,
keeping her from meeting her family?
Maybe it's time she met 'em.
Maybe it's time to stop lying.
Caleb won't come forward.
I can't.
You're our last hope.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
So, you're gonna study
through all the Christmas break?
I hope so.
Keep me distracted from having to remember it's actually Christmas.
Not a fan of the holidays.
Who is?
Uh, well, Seth, actually.
He's even invented his own super- holiday, Chrismukkah.
Chrismukkah?
Yeah. ( chuckles )
Well, um, that's cute.
I guess. It's, uh, it's eight days of gifts,
followed by one day of many, many gifts.
We eat Chinese food and watch Christmas movies.
Although last year we watched Over the Top.
Mm. Well, a classic,
any time of year. That's what I'm saying.
( chuckles )
Me and my mom, we, um...
stopped even buying a tree.
It always just looked so sad
with just two gifts under it.
When I was little...
( chuckles )
uh, all my friends were waiting
for something from Santa,
and... I was just... hoping
for something...
anything from my dad.
Still waiting?
Not anymore.
Every kid grows up, stops believing in Santa.
I stopped believing in my dad.
And there's no pine needles to clean up.
So...
Disappointed by your family over the holidays.
I've been there.
So, do what I did:
find another family to spend 'em with.
Um...
come over.
Come over for Chrismukkah?
It'd be better if you were Jewish.
There's a ratio issue.
( chuckles ) But it'll be fun,
and Seth will keep you very distracted.
Do you think we can watch Over the Top?
I think I could watch that movie 100 times
and never get sick of it.
( chuckles )
Where's Zack?
I'm not used to seeing you without him.
He left early for Christmas in Cabo with his fam.
He's been gone one day, and I miss him already.
DJ's in Sacramento with his family for two weeks.
Well, this should be a fun break.
Me, you, Caleb and my step-monster.
Should be one for the ages.
We could start spi Coop!
Kidding.
Kind of.
Actually, not really.
Last year the holidays were so much fun.
Yeah. I got rejected by Cohen in a Wonder Woman costume,
and you got caught shoplifting.
Yeah. It was memorable, though.
I guess it was.
Hey, can I get a large coffee, please?
Thanks.
Hey, guys. Merry Chrismukkah.
Don't remind us.
I forgot about your festive little holiday.
Okay. My color-coded holiday alert system
is attacking you two.
You're Taupe.
Come on-- that's a very dangerously
low level of holiday cheer.
Well, I don't know what you're talking about, Cohen.
I, for one, am looking forward to dinner with my stepmom
face down in her Christmas ham.
And I can't wait to be on my dad's boat
and hear him talk about how much he misses Hailey.
Wait a second, guys.
Summer, Marissa,
on behalf of Jesus and Judah Maccabee,
and the Cohens, I would like to cordially invite you both
and your dad, Marissa--
but not yours, Summer, because he both scares and hates me--
to come celebrate a little holiday
I like to call Chrismukkah.
It's also sort of my way for apologizing
for the whole snow-sea debacle.
Sure, why not? Okay, I'm in. Whatever.
Hey, somebody just went from taupe to putty.
Kirsten, are you ready for the investors' meeting?
I was, and I attended the meeting...
two hours ago.
What? Two hours...
( sighs ): Oh!
My new assistant is constantly putting the wrong numbers
into my, my, my Blackberry.
Mm. We tried to reach you all morning.
Well, my battery must have died.
( cell phone rings tune )
Or not.
( cell phone tune plays )
That's so funny that that's Jimmy's favorite song.
Is it?
Huh, I forgot.
That's why you got that ring tone.
I got "Hungry Like The Wolf."
He got "The Hustle."
I was there when you picked them out.
Oh, it is Jimmy.
Oh, nothing gets by you, Kirsten.
You've got a memory like an elephant.
You gonna answer it?
Oh, no. It's just Jimmy.
I thought you two were getting along
really well. What makes you say that?
Last week, when you said that you and Jimmy
were getting along really well.
Julie, you okay? You seem a little frazzled.
Oh, well, you know, I didn't get a chance
to blow my hair out this morning, so, you know, I...
I said "frazzled," not "frizzy."
SETH: Hey, man.
Is dinner ready yet?
No. Your dad's at the grill.
( sighs heavily ): Oh. I'm famished.
All this planning for the big day.
Really taking it out of ya, huh?
Hey. Ye of little faith, trust those of mixed faith.
Okay, this year, it's gonna be off the charts.
It's gonna be cochise.
What's cochise?
It's the highest level of holiday cheer
on my color-coded holiday alert system, that's all.
Cochise is a color?
Yeah, it's in the beige family.
Couldn't go with, like, blue, could you?
Listen to me. It's gonna be awesome, okay?
I think especially now that Marissa and Summer
are coming... Whoa, Marissa's coming over?
I thought she was with her dad.
Yeah, she was, but she's all bummed out about it,
and I figured since, you know, you're not inviting Lindsay...
Except I did invite Lindsay.
That's awkward.
Seth... ( sighs ) what am I gonna do?
I can't have Lindsay and Marissa hanging out together.
It's too weird. I agree.
Not helping. Oh, God.
What if it's starting? What if what's starting?
The Christmukkah backlash.
What if it's getting too big and commercial?
I have a feeling I'm done studying.
Dude, I knew this would happen.
It's like it starts out
as this really cool cult holiday.
You know, flying beneath the cultural radar,
and then all of a sudden it crosses over,
and then there's too much pressure.
I mean, truthfully,
can it really be the next Thanksgiving?
Can it top Halloween? This feels off topic.
The government, they're gonna be asking me to create new holidays.
"Seth, what about Eastover or, or Kwanzaashanah."
All right, we can't let it happen. Hey, guys.
Can't talk now, Dad.
We have an emergency on our hands.
What's going on?
Nothing. Ryan invited Lindsay over tomorrow,
setting off a wildfire that threatens man, woman,
and Christmukkah.
You invited Lindsay over here?
Uh, yeah, is that okay?
Oh, sure. You ask him.
I don't think it's such a good idea.
It isn't?
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to impose.
Well, no, it's not that.
You know we have a pretty liberal open- door policy.
It's, it's, uh...
How serious is it between you guys?
Uh, I don't know.
You know, there's still mystery.
( clears throat )
Well, maybe not mystery, but suspense.
So you really like her?
He wants to see her naked.
Okay, I hate it when you do this...
Sorry.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm starting to.
I mean, should I not?
Her mom's involved with Caleb's case.
It's, uh... the timing
is probably not great, given everything.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Okay?
Except, I mean, what does Lindsay
have to do with Caleb's case?
And what is she, like,
Caleb's hitman? Drug dealer?
Illegitimate love child?
( utensil rattles )
This stays between us.
At least until we make it through these holidays.
Come on. Dinner's served.
going somewhere?
Somewhere? Lindsay's.
Gotta un-invite her, like your dad said.
You are?
Well, she can't be here if Caleb's gonna be here.
No, hey, man.
We thought her and Marissa together would be awkward.
And, uh, I need you to do something for me.
Yeah, sure.
Dude, name it. Anything.
I need you to un-invite Summer.
I can't do that.
It's rude.
Well, I gotta tell Lindsay
we're not doing Christmukkah this year.
If she then finds out that Marissa and Summer came over...
I see your point. Yeah.
Well, while you're out...
I mean, you're already gonna have your speech down, anyway.
Maybe you could go ahead and stop by Summer's for me.
Dude, please.
She's not gonna take it well, man. Neither is Lindsay.
( sighs )
Hi. Hi.
Oh.
Happy Christmukkah.
Yeah. Can we talk?
Oh, yeah. But first, I have to show you
what I made for tonight.
Oh, all right.
Hey, Merry Christmukkah, Cohen. Oh.
Yes, it is.
I think tonight is gonna be so much fun.
Yeah, it'll be great. Can I talk to you for a second?
Sure. But first, can you help me
pick out a Christmas tree?
I'm feeling all festive today.
Festive, huh?
LINDSAY: Okay, okay, I know everything
I said about not being into the holidays, which is true.
But then I start thinking about Christmukkah,
and hanging out with you and the Cohens...
Right, and about that...
And I got inspired.
And I stayed up all night.
And you're gonna think I'm a really big dork, but...
Okay... ( sighs )
Here.
It's a yarmul-Claus!
A yarmul-Claus.
Wow.
That's, wow.
Yeah! Yeah, and I made a whole bunch,
and it was fun, and I never have fun this time of year.
And I don't know if it was the new holiday
or the idea of spending time with a family
who actually enjoys the holiday, but...
Oh, God.
Wow, um, listen to me again.
What did you want to talk about?
Could you bring eggnog tonight?
Yeah. I'd love to.
Mm.
Fresh minty aroma, symmetrical conical shape...
Great. Let's go.
A bit too bushy. Moving on.
Hmm...
Huh.
Good needle retention,
nice scent.
Mm... feels a bit dry.
I don't think it's gonna last much longer.
Summer, neither am I, okay.
All these trees look the same.
Look, Cohen, when it comes to
Haggadahs, dreidels and guilt, you the man.
When it comes to Christmas trees,
mm, a bit out of your wheel house.
I'm just saying we've been here for hours.
You are right.
If I don't pull the trigger soon,
we are gonna be late to your house.
Hey, about that, um...
You know, Cohen, I just think it's really cool
that you invited me tonight.
You know, after everything we've been through,
you were able to put aside our differences.
I just think you're really changing
and that maybe we're actually friends.
Great.
( clears throat )
Mistletoe.
( chuckles )
There something you wanted to talk to me about?
How do you feel about making latkes?
I'd love to.
And could you just carry this tree to my car?
Thanks.
Hey, buddy.
Hello, friend.
How'd it go with Summer?
How did it go with Lindsay?
She take it better than expected?
Uh, well... ( sighs )
I couldn't do it.
What? You wussed out?
It's just she's always miserable during the holidays. Dude.
She made a yarmul-Claus.
A yarmu-what?
Holy Moses, it's beautiful.
At least Marissa and Summer aren't coming.
Yeah. About that, um...
Hey, guys.
Yarmul-Claus.
Yarmu-what?
It's so cute.
Well, if it isn't the Grinch and Lady Grinch.
I brought fruitcake.
You shouldn't have.
May I take your... coats?
We talk?
That's up to you.
Mmm.
Julie, sorry. I couldn't resist.
This orange chicken is...
God, I have missed you all day.
Still chewing.
I know. I feel the same way.
Oh, what are we doing?
I can't stop thinking about you.
I know, I know, I know. You know what?
Meet me in the bathroom in, like, 90 seconds...
Julie, is there any room in the refrig...
Keep your fingers out of the food till we eat, Jimmy.
God. No manners.
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
I'm... gonna go wash up.
Yeah.
Thanks for the ride, Mom.
Are you sure you want to do this?
I mean, we hate the holidays.
That's our pact.
Maybe it's time to get over that...
get over Dad.
It's Christmukkah.
Ah, so you keep on saying.
We can go see a movie, double feature.
Have fun.
Oh, hello. Hi.
You're Seth and Ryan's friend, right?
Uh, yeah.
Me and Ryan are more like lab partners, really.
Well, come on in.
Summer, come on. I'm trying.
That killer clown is not gonna kill himself.
Faster. You've got to get more aggressive, Summer.
Ki-kick him. Kick.
Yeah.
You know, you can sit a little bit closer. I don't bite.
Happy Chrismukkah.
ALL: Hey.
Hi. Hi.
Hey.
PlayStation?
Uh... ( chuckles )
I love the holidays.
Just...
bringing everyone together.
So, I've been thinking about everything,
about the whole family, about the holidays.
Where are we going with this, Cal?
I need to tell the truth.
I need to tell Kirsten.
Well, you've got a hell of a sense of timing.
Oh, there's no good time.
That's true.
So what are you gonna say?
Well, I was hoping that you could help me with that part.
Oh, hi, Renee.
A-Are you looking for Lindsay?
Actually, I was wondering...
Can I talk to you?
A glass of wine, maybe?
No, thank you,
and I know this is a terrible time
for me to be showing up.
Oh, not at all.
Is everything okay?
I'm gonna have a glass of wine.
You have a beautiful house.
Thank you.
A-And what I want to say to you,
i-it should be Caleb who's saying it.
Well, he's here.
He is?
Would you like me to go get him?
No. Uh...
I should be...
Uh, this-this...
This isn't the right time.
Renee.
Caleb.
What are you doing here?
She's doing what you're about to do.
I call dibs on dumplings.
You now call dibs on everything.
When do we watch Over the Top?
Maybe you should speak first.
LINDSAY: Mom.
Lindsay.
Um, have we met?
Lindsay, sweetie, could you just, uh...
just give us a moment?
Why? What's going on?
That's what I'd like to know.
Uh, I-I'm gonna go. This isn't right.
No one's going anywhere
until someone tells me
what the hell is going on.
Hey, what's going on?
Good thing the kitchen is roomy.
Cal, why don't you take it from here?
I can't believe you just showed up like this.
Did you really think we could get away with it forever?
Get away with what?
Dad, start speaking.
Well, does everyone have to be here for this?
Be here for what, Cal?
( sighs )
I'm sorry it had to happen
like this, Lindsay.
Kirsten...
I had hoped that I could protect you both
from this forever, but...
well, circumstances being what they are,
where your mother and I
face going to prison,
well, there really is no choice.
16 years ago, I made...
I made an error in judgment,
one that almost ruined my marriage.
Oh, my God.
No way.
RENEE: I'm so sorry, sweetie.
I should have told you.
You're my father?
Lindsay, wait.
I don't know what to say.
Get out of my house.
Do you think I should go and talk to her?
I think you should be ashamed of yourself.
I'll handle your mom.
Hi.
I should talk to Lindsay.
I'm gonna go check on my mom, you guys.
Uh... Just hang out.
Suddenly, my family-- not so dysfunctional.
You do know this is my family, too.
Right. Sorry.
I forget sometimes.
It's... it's confusing.
You knew about this, and you never told me?
Oh, I couldn't. You know that.
Oh, attorney-client privilege, Sandy.
He cheated on my mom.
I had a sister I've never known.
Oh, I know, and we'll figure it out.
What is there to figure out?
Kirsten, please, listen...
Oh, no. I never want to see you again,
you son of a bitch!
How could you do that to me?! To Mom?!
Kirsten, please. I can explain.
Just get out!
Kiki, honey, please.
CALEB: Kirsten!
Now is not the time, Cal. Please.
Let me try to talk to her. Grandpa,
I think maybe you should leave.
I'll be better off going to prison.
Is she here?
This isn't a good time, Ryan.
I know. I just...
I want to talk to her and make sure she's okay.
She's not.
Well, can I even talk to her for a second?
It's okay, Mom.
I can speak for myself.
Hi.
( sighs )
So sorry.
I know you want to be alone
right now, but, um,
I want you to know I'm here.
Okay?
( sniffles )
I think it's best...
if we don't see each other anymore.
I just...
I don't want to be
anywhere near your family...
Ever.
Um, but... thanks
for coming by.
Happy holidays, huh?
( door closes )
This year is getting even weirder than last year.
I know.
My ex-boyfriend is dating my...
stepsister?
I think.
We have new boyfriends.
And our ex-boyfriends have new girlfriends.
Is that what they are--
um, their, uh, girlfriends?
I think.
And now my stepdad could be going to jail.
Is there something in the water?
How'd it go?
Hey. Is there, anything we can do?
I think we have to cancel Chrismukkah.
Hey.
How's Lindsay?
Uh, not so good.
How'd everything go with your mom?
Uh, we're at "Charcoal"
on my color-coded holiday alert system.
Your poor mom.
Yeah, of all the people to feel sorry for here,
she's not really high on my list.
So then Chrismukkah?
Canceled. The way nature, and apparently we, intended it.
That is so sad.
Chrismukkah is supposed
to bring people together.
It's the time of year that you look forward to most, Cohen.
Yeah, well, you know, my mom throwing vases
at my grandfather's head kind of trumps it,
even if it has twice the resistance
of your average holiday.
RYAN: You want a ride home, man?
Yeah, actually, I do--
unless someone needs help with a gi-normous tree
strapped to her car.
So that's it?
You guys are just gonna give up?
Give up on Chrismukkah
when everyone we know needs it the most?
Okay, thank you, Tiny Tim.
Ow!
Okay, well, what do you want to do, Summ?
'Cause we can't go back to the Cohens'.
And Lindsay'll never talk to me again.
And I can no longer walk.
Well, you guys can all give up,
but I still believe in a Chrismukkah miracle.
And I have a plan.
I've been looking for you all over the house.
I wanted to see if Marissa was back yet.
She's not.
You can bet she will make this about her
and that we will suffer the consequences
for a very long time.
I know.
It's tough on everyone,
which is why I tried to keep it a secret.
You and your secrets, Cal.
You need a walk-in closet for all of your skeletons.
I promise you... this is the end.
Yeah?
You don't have an evil twin?
You're not really an alien?
And now that the truth is out there...
the case will go away.
I'll be free.
I just can't believe you cheated on your wife.
It was hell, and it never happened again, never will.
I have everything I need from this marriage.
I hope you feel the same.
Don't put this back on me, Cal.
I wasn't.
I was merely saying...
( sighs )
Uh...
I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
I'm tired of lying.
I want this whole thing to be over,
and I... I need you to forgive me.
I'm going to go try and find Marissa.
Does that mean you forgive me?
I don't know.
Hi.
Hey.
You went and saw Lindsay?
Tried.
Oh, poor girl.
How goes it here?
Fantastic. Kirsten's locked herself in her closet.
And other than requesting a PowerBar be slid
under the door, she isn't speaking to me.
But on the plus side, there's plenty of mu shu available.
I'm sorry.
Uh, I just, I want you to know I'm sorry I didn't un-invite...
Oh, kid, this is so far from being your fault.
Well, you don't think it's yours.
No, but no good deed goes unpunished,
which explains why my wife is holed up next to a shoe rack.
( sighs )
Hey, you mind if I talk to her?
It's your life.
KIRSTEN: Go away.
It's Ryan.
I don't really feel like talking to anyone right now.
Uh...
I know, I...
was hoping we could talk about Lindsay.
Is she okay?
No.
Well, not right now, but I guess it depends.
Depends on what?
On whether or not she figures out she's...
part of a family that's pretty good
at letting in new members.
Good line.
Thanks.
Just don't tell Sandy that I came out for you, okay?
Yeah, 'cause he wouldn't want to hear that.
( sighs )
You want to meet your sister?
( sighs )
I don't know if I'm ready to start referring to her as that.
( sobbing ): But Lindsay seems like
a really great girl.
She is.
Whoa. Coop, I cannot believe your dad lives on a boat.
That is so Miami Vice.
You've seen Miami Vice?
Repeats. My stepmom, she finds the pastel colors soothing.
Hmm. She's on some interesting drugs these days.
Hmm. Which I will be keeping away from you.
Hmm.
Dad!
Dad?
Hi, girls.
Hey. Hey.
How are you? We're okay.
We're just kind of in a rush,
and we were wondering:
do you have a generator and an extension cord?
Okay, I don't really like the sound of that.
Oh, it's really important, Mr. Cooper.
A Chrismukkah miracle hangs in the balance.
Mm-hmm. We'll explain later.
Well, luckily,
living on a boat requires one to have such stuff.
It's right around the corner.
Oh, got it.
Now... have you, have you spoken to your mom?
She's worried sick about you.
Oh, really? That's too bad.
You've been talking to her a lot lately.
You're not, like, becoming friends, or anything.
Why? Would that, uh, would that be so terrible?
Yeah, for you.
SUMMER: All right.
Got it, Coop. Let's go.
Love you, Dad.
Thanks, Mr. Coop.
Here, can you take something?
This is going to be excellent, Summer.
I'm so excited. Take it. Take it.
Oh, take something? Yeah.
( sighs )
They're gone.
( sighs ): I don't suppose you heard
any of that, did you?
Please.
It's almost a compliment from her.
What are we doing, Julie?
Are we...
are we making a huge mistake?
Yeah.
But I want to be with you.
( waves crashing )
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Uh, your mom said I could maybe find you here.
She also said you're not in the mood to see any friends.
I'm not.
Okay. I get that.
But here's the thing, Lindsay.
You and I, we're kin.
No. No, we're not.
Yeah. Yeah, we are.
Congratulations, you're a Cohen.
( sighs )
Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self doubt.
It's a little soon to joke.
Not for us Cohens.
It's what we do: laugh through our tears,
make jokes inappropriately soon after a traumatic event.
Sometimes we'll just make the joke during the traumatic event.
Yeah, "traumatic," Seth,
doesn't even begin to describe this.
Look... I get that what happened seems really overwhelming.
Oh, do you?
Yeah, I do.
But I think you and I have a lot to be grateful for.
Most of all that we didn't start dating.
Oh, yeah, 'cause that would have been gross on... several levels.
Hey. There you go.
That's what I'm talking about.
You are a Cohen, okay? And I like that.
You know what that means, by the way?
It means you get one of these.
Enjoy.
Um...
it says "Laura."
It's the only one they had at the store.
We'll fix it later.
( giggles )
So, when did you come up with this holiday, exactly?
Oh, no, I didn't, actually.
Jesus and Moses, they put it together over lunch
a few years back now, I think it was.
What does Moses have to do with Hanukkah?
Wait, no, I think, actually, you're missing the point
of the holiday completely.
Which is...?
Hi.
I'm Kirsten.
Hi.
( sobs )
Welcome.
( voice breaking ): This is really weird.
Oh, it's our family.
( chuckles )
Thank you for doing this.
Oh, thanks for coming forward.
You did the right thing.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
And maybe someday Lindsay will forgive me.
( sighs ): So, Summer Roberts, you saved Chrismukkah.
Kind of did, didn't I?
I hope I can repay you.
Well, you can start by carrying my tree to my car later.
Hmm? ( door opens )
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Eggnog, latkes.
SETH: None for Summer-- gives her gas.
I figured you hadn't had a Christmas tree for a while.
I don't even know what to say.
You don't have to say anything right now.
Hey. I've got latkes.
Oh, uh... that sounds kind of disgusting.
Yeah, I know.
Can we order pizza?
All right. Who's ready to hear the Chrismukkah hymn?
It's penned to Death Cab's "A Lack of Color."
MARISSA: What is that?
What? No one knows what that song is, Cohen.
Seth carrying a tune? Now, that would be
a Chrismukkah miracle. Merry Chrismukkah.
I'll tell you what else you can carry--
that negativity out on the street.
Miracles? Chrismukkah fact...
All right, first... Have an eggnog.
Who ma...? These are so shoddy.
We'll have to work on the...
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on, come on. Sing, sing, sing, sing.
All right. All right.
En
Moses and Jesus
Yeah!
They both have beards...
Yeah! Oh, my God.